Unbuckled

 

                                                                                      by Bryan Reynolds

 

           SCENE 1: PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO -- AFTERNOON

 

            (Facing the audience, LAURA, a glamour photographer, directs

            three models (unseen) as she photographs them. Dance music

            enhances the action.)

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes ... Perfect ... Keep moving ... Don't

                      stop ... Ginger, keep your head up. Nice.

                      Excellent Pedro. Marc, you're on fire.

                      Yes, yes, fabulous.

 

            (Laura continues to shoot.)

 

                                LAURA (cont'd)

                      The three of you are so hot! Yes. Yes.

                      It's all good. Go Marc. That's it. Now

                      Pedro and Ginger move in on Marc. Dance

                      with him. You're with him ... That's it.

                      You've got him. He loves it.

 

            (Laura's mobile phone rings, and she pauses to answer it.)

 

                                LAURA (cont'd)

                      Excuse me.  Excuse me everyone.

 

            (The music stops.)

 

                                LAURA (cont'd)

                          (into the phone)

                      Hello, this is Laura ... Who? ...

                      Michael? (Aside.) Fuck.

 

            SCENE 2: STREET OUTSIDE WASABI BAR -- LATE AFTERNOON

 

            (Preoccupied as she walks home, Laura encounters AUTUMN,

            Wasabi's bartender.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Hey stranger.

 

                                LAURA

                      Oh, hey, um--

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Autumn, you know, your "favorite

                      bartender" -- at Wasabi.

 

                                LAURA

                      Yeah, of course, I'm sorry. How's it

                      going?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Great, groovy -- for you? ... Obviously

                      not for you. What's up?

 

                                LAURA

                      Nothing, really.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Boyfriend troubles?

 

                                LAURA

                      Yeah, sort of, but not with Keith -- my

                      boyfriend -- not yet. My ex-boyfriend is

                      in town for one night, and wants to have

                      drinks with me.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Oh, that could be fun, or interesting.

                      But this bothers you, or Keith?

 

                                LAURA

                      I don't know.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      So, it's you that doesn't want to be, or

                      wants to be, bothered?

 

                                LAURA

                      I don't know -- not sure. Seeing Michael

                      could be really -- um --

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Tempting?

 

                                LAURA

                          (defensively)

                      No. Really difficult.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I'll tell you what -- bring the ex to

                      Wasabi. Tonight's slow, so I can keep an

                      eye on things.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      You betcha.

 

                                LAURA

                      It might be more than just difficult to

                      see him, but I want to. I feel that I

                      need to.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Then you do.

 

                                LAURA

                      I do.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Yep, you do. Catch you later.

 

            (Autumn walks off.)

 

                                LAURA

                      See you ... tonight.

 

            SCENE 3: LAURA AND KEITH'S APARTMENT -- LATER

 

            (KEITH, a professor of English literature, sits on the couch.

            He rests his feet on a coffee table, on which there are two

            red-wine glasses (one is filled with wine), a bottle of red

            wine, a bong, a cordless telephone, and a remote control for

            the stereo (the stereo is out of sight). He is reading Michel

            Foucault's Discipline and Punish. He puts the book down, sips

            his wine, picks up the remote, points down stage, and

            presses. Soft music comes on (jazz or classical). He takes a

            bong hit (or hit off a pipe) and settles comfortably into the

            couch. He listens, with great appreciation for the music. He

            is waiting for someone.

 

            Suddenly, and somewhat nervously and in a rush, Laura enters.

            She begins to remove her clothing immediately as she talks to

            Keith, leaving items of clothing strewn about the living

            room.)

 

                                LAURA

                      Hi, sorry I'm so late. Today was just

                      really hectic.

 

                                KEITH

                      No problem. I've been reading. Just

                      relaxing.

 

                                LAURA

                      I'm really sorry I'm late.

 

                                KEITH

                      It's okay.

 

                                LAURA

                      I wanted to get home sooner. I wanted to

                      talk with you about Michael calling me at

                      work today.

 

                                KEITH

                      Uh.

 

            (Keith lifts up the remote control and turns down the volume

            on the stereo. Laura removes her shirt, etc., and exits out

            of sight, where she changes into dressier clothes. She

            continues to talk as she does this, but with a louder voice,

            as from the other room. While she's speaking, Keith gets up

            from the couch, gathers up Laura's clothing, and returns to

            the couch, where he neatly folds the clothes before putting

            them on the coffee table.)

 

                                LAURA

                      He's in town for just one night, and he

                      asked me to have drinks with him.

 

                                KEITH

                      Oh yeah?

 

                                LAURA

                      I felt bad. It's been over a year since

                      I've seen him. Last time was when I

                      bumped into him and his wife at Heathrow

                      Airport. That was really awkward.

 

                                KEITH

                      You told me.

 

                                LAURA

                      It was horrible. Anyway, I'd like to go.

                      You could come too. Would you mind if we

                      went?

 

                                KEITH

                      I'm pretty beat. I taught my seminar

                      today on Marlowe and witchcraft, and

                      there was this crazy born-again Christian

                      in the class who claims that George W. is

                      a modern-day witch hunter, an exorcist

                      sent by God to rid the world of evil--

 

                                LAURA

                      Well, would you mind if I went, then?

 

                                KEITH

                      Go ahead.

 

                                LAURA

                      I'm already running late, so I gotta go

                      now. I'm sorry. Can you tell me about the

                      born-again later?

 

            (Laura re-enters, dressed to kill. She notices the folded

            clothes, but chooses to ignore them.)

 

                                KEITH

                          (noticing her attire)

                      Looks like the plan was already made?

 

                                LAURA

                      It was, but it's still breakable.

 

                                KEITH

                      You're ditching me to go on a date with

                      your old boyfriend?

 

                                LAURA

                      I'm not ditching you.

 

                                KEITH

                      So, let me guess, you're meeting him at a

                      steak house or a sports bar -- aren't

                      those the kinds of places you guys used

                      to go to?

 

                                LAURA

                      We're going to Wasabi. (Keith looks

                      wounded.) It's no big deal, really. And

                      he's not that bad. I'd just like to see

                      him. I was with him for three years,

                      remember?

 

                                KEITH

                      While he was with his wife, right?

 

                                LAURA

                      They were separated. They got separated.

 

                                KEITH

                      So, you're taking him to Wasabi -- to

                      meet our favorite bartender -- it's

                      Tuesday?

 

                                LAURA

                      Don't be silly. Look, this is really

                      nothing. Like I said, you can come -- if

                      you want. It's not like he doesn't know

                      I'm with you, living with you. Come

                      along, if you want.

 

                                KEITH

                      You're sure?

 

                                LAURA

                      Sure. It wouldn't matter.

 

                                KEITH

                      Okay, I'll come.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really?

 

                                KEITH

                      There's no one else here for me to hang

                      out with, and I've got nothing else to

                      do.

 

                                LAURA

                      You sure? You still have all those papers

                      to grade.

 

                                KEITH

                      What papers?

 

                                LAURA

                      The coffee colored ones stuck to the

                      kitchen table.

 

                                KEITH

                      Oh yeah. But I'd rather meet Michael.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really? You really want to come?

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes.

 

                                LAURA

                      You'd like to meet Michael?

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes.

 

                                LAURA

                      Since when? Are you joking?

 

                                KEITH

                      It'll be really nice to him. We can talk

                      about cigars or golf or football or the

                      stock market.

 

                                LAURA

                      Stop making fun of--

 

                                KEITH

                      No, really, it'll be great. I promise.

 

                                LAURA

                      It will be awkward.

 

                                KEITH

                          (still relaxed on the couch)

                      Are you retracting your offer?

 

                                LAURA

                      No.

 

                                KEITH

                      It'll be fine. It'll definitely be

                      interesting.

 

                                LAURA

                      Well, I'll have to call him at the hotel.

                      I need to prepare him -- that's only

                      fair.

 

                                KEITH

                          (picking the phone up and

                           giving it to her)

                      Yes. Of course. Call him.

 

                                LAURA

                          (taking out her mobile phone)

                      That's okay, I've got the hotel number on

                      my cell.

 

            (She calls. Waits.)

 

                                LAURA (cont'd)

                      Hi. Could I have Michael Grant's room

                      please? ... No that's okay. (To Keith.)

                      He left already.

 

                                KEITH

                      Try his mobile.

 

                                LAURA

                      Okay.

 

            (She calls. Waits.)

 

                                LAURA (cont'd)

                      No answer. I could leave a message?

 

                                KEITH

                      No. Don't bother.

 

                                LAURA

                      So, I guess we'll just have to surprise

                      him, and see what--

 

                                KEITH

                      Forget it. I'll stay home.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really? Okay. Well, I'll call you.

 

                                KEITH

                      Okay. When?

 

                                LAURA

                      Oh, about every hour or so--

 

                                KEITH

                      Really?

 

                                LAURA

                      No. But I will call you. I just want you

                      to feel alright, and included, because

                      you are.

 

                                KEITH

                      I am? Okay, call me. I'll be here.

 

                                LAURA

                          (leaning to kiss him)

                      I'll call. Okay?

 

                                KEITH

                          (getting up, kissing her)

                      Talk to you soon.

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes. I love you.

 

                                KEITH

                      I love you too. See ya. (Just as she

                      exits.) Have fun!

 

            SCENE 4: WASABI BAR/LAURA AND KEITH'S APARTMENT -- EVENING

 

            (Both locations are visible.

 

            Wasabi's decor is trendy industrial but warm, even romantic.

            Lounge music plays quietly in the background. Laura and

            MICHAEL are sitting at a table drinking martinis. They've

            already had a couple.

 

            Keith is sitting, as before, on the couch, reading Discipline

            and Punish. But now he also has a box of cereal on the table

            from which he occasionally eats. He also occasionally sips

            his wine and, at some point, takes another bong hit.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You alright?

 

                                LAURA

                      Yeah. I'm fine.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You think I don't care about what's going

                      on in your life.

 

                                LAURA

                      Pretty much, yep.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I do. I'm listening. You said your job is

                      going great, and, well, of course I want

                      to know all about him. Tell me, now that

                      we've talked about me for awhile.

 

                                LAURA

                          (playfully)

                      You don't want us to talk about you

                      anymore?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      As if you were actually paying attention

                      to what I was saying.

 

                                LAURA

                      What are you talking about? Do I look

                      absent?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Just not so present, a little indifferent

                      -- if you really want to know.

 

            (As Laura and Michael talk, Keith prepares to masturbate,

            taking out a porn magazine or putting on a porn film,

            changing the lights, etc. Keith is perhaps facing the

            audience with a television blocking his crotch.)

 

                                LAURA

                      So I need to prove to you that I was

                      listening -- that I'm here. This is just

                      like old times. How fun.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Sure, prove it. I love it when you get

                      like this, all ego-invested. It's really

                      sexy, you know? You're sexiest when

                      you've got a purpose.

 

                                LAURA

                      A "purpose"? Alright then, sexy I'll be.

                      Let's see. You're doing better than ever.

                      Of course you are.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Of course.

 

            (Michael stands, taking Laura by the hand, and dances slowly

            with her.)

 

                                LAURA

                      You got promoted. Ra, ra. You're now one

                      of the company's many vice presidents.

                      You made over three-hundred thousand

                      dollars last year. Woo whoo.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      About four-hundred thousand.

 

                                LAURA

                      Your golf game is topnotch -- handicap of

                      three. You even beat some pro. How am I

                      doing? Am I turning you on?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Go on.

 

            (Keith masturbates.)

 

                                LAURA

                      You love Miami. It's the best. And only

                      the best for you will do.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      We bought a new house on the

                      intercoastal.

 

                                LAURA

                      Right. And your relationship with your

                      daughter is extraordinary. It's the best

                      too. (Pause.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah. And?

 

                                LAURA

                      And? Oh, you did the right thing -- you

                      returned to your horrible marriage with

                      Jane so that you could be the father you

                      were supposed to be, the father your

                      father expected you to be -- but never

                      was himself. And the bonus. Jane finally

                      got those breast implants, the ones you

                      always dreamed of. What a consolation

                      prize. (Short pause.) So, what are they

                      like? You must carry a picture of them

                      around with you. You do. I know you do.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I do.

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes. Can I see them? Please? She was

                      wearing too much at Heathrow. Come on,

                      show them to me.

 

            (Laura lets go of Michael and stops dancing.

 

            Michael nonchalantly takes a photograph out of his wallet.)

 

                                LAURA (cont'd)

                      I knew it.

 

            (Keith focuses on his own porno stimuli.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (handing the photo to her)

                      Okay. Here you go. Knock yourself out.

 

                                LAURA

                      Oh my God! They're gigantic! How in the

                      world does she lug those things around

                      with her? Don't tell me, you hired a

                      human bra, a little Cuban woman that

                      holds them up from behind, walking behind

                      her wherever she goes -- to the club,

                      and, to the club, and -- to the club.

                      Where else? Oh, the salon. (Short pause.)

                      How does she sleep with them? And with

                      you? In the same bed? Do you still need

                      pillows?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Okay. That's enough. You freak. You're

                      right. They're just a little -- okay huge

                      -- consolation for getting back together

                      with her. It's true. I admit it.

 

                                LAURA

                      You're a jerk. Really pathetic. You know,

                      she had really nice breasts. Aren't you

                      even the slightest bit embarrassed? Now

                      she's a spectacle. And you, Michael,

                      you're a pig. (She laughs.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (smiling)

                      Well, if I'm a pig, then you're the most

                      beautiful pig-fucker I've ever met.

                      (Pause.) You know, I really miss you.

 

                                LAURA

                      I miss you too.

 

            (Michael leans into Laura, as if to kiss her. Laura responds

            by backing away. She sits back down at the table, taking a

            swig from her drink.

 

            Keith continues masturbating.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (recovering)

                      So, tell me more about your "beau."

                      What's his name again -- Theodore?

 

            (Michael sits down at the table.)

 

                                LAURA

                      Keith. His name is Keith. How many times

                      do I have to tell you?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Right. Keith.

 

                                LAURA

                      I'm not a pig-fucker anymore, even if you

                      are still a pig. Once a pig-fucker

                      doesn't mean always a pig-fucker. At

                      least I'm not a dog-fucker like Jane--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Come on. Let's not go there.

 

                                LAURA

                      Keith is amazing. You should be happy for

                      me: I'm in love with him. You probably

                      wouldn't like him. He's very different

                      from you, from anyone I've ever met,

                      really. He's from New York. He's from

                      this great family -- the nicest people,

                      all highly-educated. He's Jewish, but not

                      religious--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      So what's he do?

 

                                LAURA

                      He's an English professor. And a poet.

                      He's a wonderful poet. You'd like his

                      poetry. And, I swear, he's got insight

                      into everything, from movies to art to

                      rock music. He understands and

                      appreciates me -- as I am. He's not

                      afraid to give me space.

                      He doesn't discourage me to pursue my own

                      interests. He's not afraid of my

                      femininity.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      What are you talking about? I wasn't

                      afraid of your femininity.

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes you were.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      That's ridiculous.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really? What about that time when I used

                      my menstrual blood to draw lightning

                      bolts shooting from my vagina down the

                      inside of my thighs and up my abdomen?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      That was when you refused to make dinner;

                      and you ran around the house screaming,

                      "My power is in my pussy -- watch out!"

 

                                LAURA

                      I knew you were afraid. With Keith, I can

                      do that any time.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I'm sure you can. You know, I'm a poet

                      too -- remember? I've written lots of

                      poetry. And I'm writing a novel. So, why

                      wouldn't I like him?

 

                                LAURA

                          (with subtle lament)

                      He's not wild like you: he wouldn't--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I may not be the sharpest knife in the

                      drawer, but I'm not exactly an idiot. I

                      was a journalism major, and I do have an

                      MBA, and not just any MBA--

 

                                LAURA

                      You're still writing that novel? Sweetie,

                      I know you're a poet, and a writer. (More

                      sincerely.) You wrote me beautiful,

                      romantic poetry, and letters.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I sure did.

 

                                LAURA

                      After you went back to Jane, I would read

                      your poems over and over again, trying to

                      understand how you could say the things

                      you said and not mean them. How could you

                      mean them one day and not the next?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Look, I meant every word, Laura, always.

                      I always meant what I said--

 

                                LAURA

                      I used to carry your poems and letters

                      around with me. I read them all the time.

                      I even memorized some.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You were always memorizing something--

 

                                LAURA

                      There was one I carried with me until the

                      paper fell apart.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Laura, come on -- don't be so dramatic.

 

                                LAURA

                      It goes like this--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You've got to be kidding.

 

                                LAURA

                      Yeah, I'm just kidding. Like you Michael,

                      always kidding.

 

            (Laura's crying. She stares at Michael for a moment, hoping

            for some kind of verbal or physical response. Michael finally

            puts his hands on her, but she immediately walks off,

            exiting. Autumn observes this.

 

            Keith cums, enjoyably.

 

            After a few seconds, the bartender Autumn walks over to

            Michael.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Excuse me. Would you like another drink,

                      or some munchies.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      What? Oh yeah, food. Good idea.

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (probing)

                      You probably want to wait for your

                      girlfriend. Didja want another--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      My who?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Your whoever?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      She's not my girlfriend -- anymore.

 

            (Keith kicks back, relaxing.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Oh. I'm sorry. You didn't just--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      No, we split up two years ago. Tonight,

                      well, we're just catching up, torturing

                      each other, you know how it is--

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Why would I know?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I, I don't know, I just figured--

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Figured what?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Well, I thought -- (Deciding not to

                      pursue Autumn's line of questioning.)

                      It's actually very sad. I couldn't be at

                      two places at once, live two lives. I

                      have a daughter -- Amy.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      And a wife?

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (hesitantly)

                      Yes.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      It's a matter of economy, isn't it? It's

                      about the bottom line.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (checking her out)

                      What do you mean?

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (checking him out)

                      You know, you cut your losses, and do

                      what's most convenient.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (playing along)

                      No, I'm not sure I do. Go on. Enlighten

                      me.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Come on, you're a businessman, aren't

                      you? (He nods.) Let me guess: You fell in

                      love with the other woman -- a beautiful

                      woman. But to be with her, and be truly

                      happy, you would have to defy convention,

                      hurt people, and not live up to your role

                      as husband and dad.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Right.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      The guilt was too much, and, well, you

                      didn't have the strength. You were too

                      much of a coward to get what you wanted.

                      It takes a lot of courage to choose

                      happiness, and--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Hold on. Back up. I did the right thing.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      You think so? Maybe you shouldn't be with

                      her -- your wife, I mean.(Pointing

                      towards the restroom.) Do you love her?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yes.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Do you love your wife?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Of course I do.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Is everyone happy with the way things

                      are?

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (gesturing towards restroom)

                      Everything's back to normal. We're all

                      happy, especially Laura -- she's got

                      someone new.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      And why couldn't you have had it all?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      What do you mean, "have it all"? I tried

                      - miserably.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Did Laura and your wife get along?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      They never met.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      How come?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      What do you mean "how come"? I was having

                      an affair! I was leaving my wife for

                      another woman!

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Did they ever say they wanted to meet

                      each other? They must have some things in

                      common, other than you.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah, they both said they wanted to meet

                      each other. But usually only when angry

                      or joking. (Laughing.) Laura used to make

                      jokes about a threesome with Jane. But

                      that's her sick humor. What exactly are

                      you getting at?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Sorry to be so harsh, man, but it sounds

                      like you did do the "right thing," since

                      you had neither the courage nor the

                      imagination to pursue all options. I'm so

                      sorry--

 

            (Laura returns from the restroom. She's obviously feeling

            better. She's happy to see Autumn. There is an especially

            good vibe between them.)

 

                                LAURA

                          (to Michael)

                      Hi. (Looking at Autumn, holding eye

                      contact. To Michael.) Are you ordering

                      food?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Perhaps.

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (more to Michael than Laura)

                      We do have the spicy tuna roll, but you

                      don't want it because its too hot. (More

                      to Laura.) Everything else is available.

 

            (Autumn hands them menus. Laura sits down.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Thanks.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Do you cats want anything else to drink?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I'll have another. (To Laura.) How about

                      you?

 

                                LAURA

                      Definitely. Thank you.

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (looking at Laura)

                      Coming right up.

 

            (Autumn walks behind the bar, and fixes their drinks.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You alright?

 

                                LAURA

                      I'm fine now. I just needed a little

                      space.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I was worried about you. I just had the

                      weirdest conversation with that

                      bartender. Probably because I'm so drunk.

 

                                LAURA

                      Me too.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I don't know why, but for some reason, I

                      told her a little about us. And, you know

                      what she called me? She called me a

                      "coward." She said I lacked courage

                      because I didn't try to "have it all."

 

                                LAURA

                      "Have it all" of what?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Basically, she suggested that I should

                      have tried to get you and Jane together,

                      as friends, I guess, but probably as

                      more.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really? Go on.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      This will sound crazy, but I think she

                      was suggesting that you and Jane and Amy

                      and I could have all lived together, as

                      one family.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I don't think she was joking.

 

                                LAURA

                      Was she coming on to you? Why else would

                      she suggest something like that?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I don't think she was just coming on to

                      me. She was serious. And, I'm not sure

                      about this, but she seemed interested in

                      you, too -- she called you "beautiful."

 

                                LAURA

                      Really? Huh. (Pause.) Remember that time

                      when we made love in the back of the

                      limousine -- in D.C.? And I was howling

                      like crazy -- going nuts, kicking the

                      roof?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah.

 

                                LAURA

                      And then the limousine driver spoke to us

                      -- afterwards? I was so embarrassed. It

                      didn't occur to me that she could hear us

                      through the glass.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah, that was a blast. You were going

                      bananas. That night was excellent.

 

                                LAURA

                      Then you asked her to come up with us to

                      our hotel room. Which was fine with me.

                      She was pretty hot. But then just when we

                      were all having a great time massaging

                      and fondling each other, you fucked her.

                      Why did you do that?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I thought that's what we were doing.

 

                                LAURA

                      But you didn't ask me first. And I--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      But you implied that it was okay.

 

                                LAURA

                      I said, "Michael, don't, please -- wait."

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You said that?

 

                                LAURA

                      Don't fuck with me, Michael. I'll leave

                      right now.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I guess I just thought it was the right

                      thing to do at the time. We were--

 

                                LAURA

                      It would have been okay with me if you

                      had asked me first, if I felt we were in

                      it together -- as we were up until that

                      moment.(Pause.) Michael, you know, I did

                      wonder about the possibility of me, you,

                      and Jane being in a relationship

                      together, living together. It was obvious

                      to me that we would get along, even

                      though we are very different people.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (almost an aside)

                      Very different.

 

                                LAURA

                      At least that's something I fantasized

                      about. But every time I mustered up the

                      courage to mention it to you, I would

                      remember that night with the limo driver,

                      when you betrayed me. You have no idea

                      how much you hurt me.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I'm sorry ... "possibility"?... you must

                      have been on drugs when you had that

                      fantasy. You didn't really think--? Now

                      you're fucking with me, right?

 

                                LAURA

                      Whatever you say. What do you want to

                      eat?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I don't know. Why don't we just order a

                      shitload -- like old times.

 

                                LAURA

                      Excellent! I'm starving.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Great! Why don't you order for us. I'm

                      gonna take a leak.

 

            (Michael exits to the restroom. As he passes Autumn, who is

            bringing their drinks, he cuts in front of her.)

 

                                MICHAEL (cont'd)

                          (with subordinating sarcasm)

                      We're ready for "munchies."

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Okeydokey.

 

            (She puts their drinks down on the table.

 

            We see Keith in their apartment picking up the telephone and

            dialing.)

 

                                AUTUMN (cont'd)

                      Here ya go. I love your hair. So, you're

                      ready to order?

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes. (Seductively.) You can touch it if

                      you want.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Are you serious?

 

                                LAURA

                      Are you?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Absolutely.

 

            (Laura's mobile phone rings. Looking smug, she takes her

            mobile phone out of her bag.)

 

                                AUTUMN (cont'd)

                          (walking away, softly)

                      I'll be back.

 

                                LAURA

                      Hello.

 

                                KEITH

                      Hey.

 

                                LAURA

                      Hey. How are you?

 

                                KEITH

                      I'm okay. I thought you were going to

                      call me.

 

                                LAURA

                      I was gonna call you, but then the

                      waitress, Autumn, came over. She's so

                      cute. I miss you. 

 

                                KEITH

                      Oh yeah, say "hi" for me. I miss you too.

                      So, how's it going? Where's Michael?

 

                                LAURA

                      He went to pee. It's going alright. A

                      little difficult.

 

                                KEITH

                      Why?

 

                                LAURA

                      We still have our issues -- about why he

                      went back to Jane and--

 

                                KEITH

                      That's still a problem? Don't you guys

                      have other things to talk about -- about

                      your lives now?

 

                                LAURA

                      You know it's not that easy. What have

                      you been doing? Have you moved from the

                      couch?

 

                                KEITH

                      Whatta you think?

 

                                LAURA

                      You know, actually, Michael should be

                      back any second. I should go.

 

                                KEITH

                      You have to get off the phone with me

                      because Michael's coming back? I don't

                      get it. I thought you made our

                      relationship clear to him? That's the

                      only reason I felt comfortable letting

                      you go out with him.

 

                                LAURA

                      What do you mean "letting" me go out with

                      him? Really, honey, I don't want to make

                      him feel too uncomfortable. I'll call you

                      later, okay? Please?

 

                                KEITH

                      In an hour, right?

 

                                LAURA

                      Yeah. Okay, an hour. I love you.

 

            (Michael reaches the table, observing her on the phone.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Is that Keith?

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes.

 

                                KEITH

                      Is that Michael?

 

                                LAURA

                      Yeah.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Ask him to join us.

 

                                LAURA

                          (shaking her head to Michael,

                           but speaking to Keith)

                      Okay, I'll call you again in a little

                      while.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Really, ask him to join us. Why not?

 

                                KEITH

                      What's he saying?

 

                                LAURA

                      Nothing. (Making a joke out of it.) He

                      wants you to join us.

 

                                KEITH

                      Huh. That's okay, just call me later.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (putting his hand on the phone

                           to take it from her)

                      Can I talk with him?

 

                                LAURA

                      Michael wants to--

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (taking the phone)

                      Hi, Keith, this is Michael.

 

                                KEITH

                      Hi Michael.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Hey, why don't you come down and join us?

 

            (Autumn returns to the table. This is a flirtatious

            interaction that is simultaneous with Keith and Michael's

            dialogue.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Can I take your order now?

 

                                LAURA

                      Um. (Switches attention from Michael to

                      Autumn.) Sure can.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      What do you want?

 

                                LAURA

                      Oh, a lot of things.

 

            (Laura points at items on the menu and Autumn takes notes on

            her pad.)

 

                                LAURA (cont'd)

                      This, this, and this, and this.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      For you, anything.

 

                                KEITH

                      Thanks. But I've got papers to grade.

                      Besides, you guys have a lot of catching

                      up to do.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Nonsense. I'd love to meet you. Laura

                      can't stop talking about you. So hurry

                      up. You know, she's quite besotted with

                      you.

 

                                KEITH

                      Really? "Besotted."

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yes. "Besotted."

 

                                KEITH

                          (pretending he doesn't know the

                           definition of besotted)

                      That's an unusual word -- kind of

                      antiquated, right?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      No, not really.

 

                                KEITH

                      Does it mean something like a combination

                      of intoxication and infatuation?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Not exactly, but you're on the right

                      track. So, are you coming?

 

                                KEITH

                      Sure. I'm on my way. Can you put Laura on

                      again?

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (passing the phone to Laura)

                      Sure thing.

 

            (Autumn starts to walk away.)

 

                                LAURA

                          (to Keith)

                      Hi. Hang on a second. (To Autumn.)

                      Autumn.

 

            (Turning around.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Yes, darling?

 

                                LAURA

                      I forgot. Is the crabmeat real or fake in

                      the California rolls?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      It's real, actually. But, you know, I

                      like the artificial stuff better. It's

                      always fresh feeling. Resilient.

 

                                LAURA

                      I like that too, actually. We'll have eel

                      rolls instead.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      You got it.

 

            (Autumn walks away.)

 

                                KEITH

                      I'm coming, okay? (Short pause.) Hey, can

                      you hear me?

 

                                LAURA

                          (into the phone)

                      Whatja say? Sorry 'bout that--

 

                                KEITH

                      I'm coming.

 

                                LAURA

                      You are?

 

                                KEITH

                      Yeah.

 

                                LAURA

                          (looking curiously at Michael)

                      Alright, if that's what you want.

 

                                KEITH

                      Okay, bye.

 

                                LAURA

                      Bye. (She puts the phone away, and looks

                      at Michael, who smirks.)

 

            SCENE 5: WASABI BAR -- LATER

 

            (Empty plates, scraps of sushi, and several glasses are on

            the table. Much feasting and alcohol consumption has

            occurred. Lounge music plays. Michael, Laura, and Keith sit

            at the table, in that configuration. There is an extra chair.

            Everyone is drunk and laughing.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      ... Since you're the hotshot professor,

                      how about answering an English literature

                      question for me?

 

                                KEITH

                      Sure.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      It's sort of a scholarly one, but really

                      personal; it's been bugging me for

                      awhile.

 

                                LAURA

                          (sarcastically)

                      Really?

 

                                KEITH

                      I'll try.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      It's actually an American literature

                      question, if that's alright? Do you know

                      that stuff too? You must.

 

                                KEITH

                      Yeah, a little. What is it?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I never cared much for English

                      literature. American literature just

                      makes sense to me -- I'm American. I love

                      Hemingway. No writer captures the soul of

                      man more earnestly.

 

                                KEITH

                      Right.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      "Earnestly."

 

                                KEITH

                      Right. Got it.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Keith, I was wondering if anyone, any

                      scholar, has written about stories where

                      the father is missing or hidden or

                      something, like in The Scarlet Letter and

                      Lolita, two of my favorite novels. You

                      must know them, right? 

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes -- one's by a Russian. They're among

                      my favorites too. Laura loves them also.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      The way I see it, and I'm not the most

                      articulate about literature, so please

                      bear with me -- the main problem in The

                      Scarlet Letter is that the preacher...

 

                                LAURA

                      Dimmesdale.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Dimmesdale -- who screws Hester Prynne,

                      is too chicken-shit to own up to his

                      fatherhood. He can't admit he's the

                      culprit.

 

                                KEITH

                      That's right.

 

            (Keith notices that his chair wobbles a bit.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      So everyone suffers, but the one who

                      suffers most of all is his daughter

                      Pearl. But we never get her side of the

                      story.

 

                                KEITH

                      True.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Right. But we know she's fucked up in the

                      head because of Dimmesdale's absence.

                      There are all those descriptions of her

                      weird behavior. She's a weirdo, and they

                      ridicule her because she has no father.

                      Her mother is also tortured by this.

                      Basically, she's a freak.

 

                                KEITH

                      Yeah, but what about--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      And in Lolita, because that chick's got

                      no father, she's a freak too. She has no

                      father to lay down the law, to teach her

                      morals. Right?

 

                                KEITH

                      Yeah, but--

 

            (Laura motions to Keith to let Michael continue.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah, that's right, because of this she

                      fucks every willing father-figure she

                      meets -- first her mother's boyfriend

                      Humbert, then the pervert playwright. She

                      does this not because she wants to fuck

                      them or because she loves them, but

                      because she really wants to hurt them.

                      Get it?

 

                                KEITH

                      I think so.

 

                                LAURA

                      Don't be so sure.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You see, by fucking them, and getting

                      them hooked on her -- I mean really

                      hooked on her so that their lives are

                      destroyed -- she satisfies her revenge

                      against her real father for ditching her.

 

            (As he talks, Keith attempts to re-fix/adjust his slightly

            wobbly chair. This bugs Michael, because it's distracting.)

 

                                MICHAEL (cont'd)

                      He split and she wants to get him back,

                      anyway she can, by getting somebody,

                      anybody, like him all fucked up.

 

                                KEITH

                      Do we know anything about--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I think Nabokov and Hawthorne were really

                      onto something important. They both cared

                      more than most writers do about the

                      effects of a girl not having a father.

                      (Emphatically, also in response to

                      Keith's preoccupation with the chair.)

                      Nobody seems to care about this anymore.

 

                                KEITH

                          (abandons fixing the chair,

                           sincerely)

                      That's really an interesting reading.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yes, and, who knows more--

 

                                KEITH

                      I can imagine an important thesis tracing

                      the trajectory of discourse on the absent

                      father in the American novel--

 

                                LAURA

                      Check please.

 

                                KEITH

                      --on how his absence influences the

                      fatherless daughter in a patriarchal

                      system that depends on the father's

                      presence for the proper psycho-social

                      development of the daughter.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah, I'm onto something--

 

                                LAURA

                      And what do you make of the famous

                      trajectory of discourse in American

                      novels in which the daughter is tortured

                      or raped by her own father? Like in Toni

                      Morrison's The Bluest Eye?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Stay outta this. You're a photographer.

                      We're talking literature and fatherhood

                      here. And I don't think his novels are

                      that famous, or good.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really, he's a she, and she won the Nobel

                      Prize.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Whatever. Keith.

 

            (Laura quickly -- drawing Michael's and Keith's attention to

            her -- takes a fancy small camera from her bag, and takes a

            picture of Michael, then Keith, then herself.

            Michael and Keith stare at her for a moment, then Keith

            continues with the conversation.)

 

                                KEITH

                      You know, there is this theory of the

                      father's influence, developed by this

                      famous literary critic named Harold

                      Bloom.

 

                                LAURA

                      Come on Keith. He's not going to get

                      this, or care.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      What am I not going to get?

 

                                KEITH

                          (to Laura)

                      Why not?

 

                                LAURA

                      Fine. Go ahead.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah. I want to hear this Bloom thing.

 

                                KEITH

                      Alright then. I'll try to explain this.

                      What I was saying is that perhaps I can

                      tweak Bloom's theory of a poet's

                      problematic relationship to his

                      predecessors to apply to what you were

                      talking about.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Go on Keith. You've got my undivided

                      attention.

 

                                KEITH

                      Okay, imagine that everyone, like all

                      poets in relation to past poets, has

                      anxiety over their father's influence on

                      them -- since the father is the main

                      authority figure, and not the mother.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Easy enough.

 

                                KEITH

                      So, in order to free yourself from this

                      anxiety and perhaps your real,

                      problematic connection to your father,

                      you misread the signs of this influence,

                      such as in your personality or behavior.

                      You create the illusion that your

                      father's influence is really absent, the

                      illusion that one can individuate free of

                      parental residue.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      So to become yourself you must pretend

                      you don't have a father? Is that what

                      your saying?

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes. Right. Then it is this illusion of

                      your father's absence that emancipates us

                      and gives us license -- in our own minds

                      - to break the law that you spoke of

                      before that the father represents -- so

                      that we can be ourselves. But if you

                      didn't have a father from whom to

                      disassociate -- even if only in fantasy --

                      from whom to set yourself free to be who

                      you want to be, then maybe you could be

                      who you want to be from the beginning. In

                      other words, it seems that the presence

                      of the father is more dangerously

                      problematic and constraining for the

                      child than his absence.

 

            (Keith notices that his chair still wobbles.)

 

                                LAURA

                      My father was present, sensitive, loving,

                      compassionate, and attentive -- and so

                      was my mother. They still are--

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (to Keith)

                      Yes. I think what you're saying makes

                      sense, until the last part, about being

                      better off without a father. How can that

                      be? I don't get it.

 

                                LAURA

                      See. He doesn't get it.

 

            (Again, as he talks, Keith attempts to re-fix/adjust his

            slightly wobbly chair.)

 

                                KEITH

                      The problem isn't just whether or not

                      there is a father present. The problem is

                      the whole, traditional configuration of

                      the family.

 

            (Michael points to the fourth chair. Keith switches chairs.

            Problem solved.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (sarcastically)

                      Now the entire family is the problem?

 

                                KEITH

                          (enjoying the power the new,

                           stable chair affords)

                      I'm referring to the binary opposition

                      set up between father and mother, one

                      being the authority and the other the

                      caretaker. It's this binary structure

                      that encourages such a division of labor

                      and importance -- the father being the

                      public figure and the mother the

                      domestic, in the background--

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes. You're right on. You got it.

 

            (Laura takes a picture of Keith, who pretends, along with

            Michael, that it didn't happen.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You're losing me Keith. Primary

                      structures, whatever -- the bottom line

                      is, everyone needs a father. But that

                      earlier part about the need to separate

                      from your father -- well, I can

                      definitely relate to that. (Short pause.)

                      Keith, you're a poet, right?

 

                                KEITH

                      Sometimes.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I write poetry too from time to time. I

                      mean, I'm no son of Shakespeare, but I

                      can rhyme. Laura's read a lot of my

                      poems. Right Laura? (She ignores him.)

                      Can't you recite some for us?

 

                                LAURA

                      Only in your dreams.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Well, okay, I wrote a poem just the other

                      day. It's about this father situation

                      you've been talking about.

                      Well, it's not directly about it, but

                      it's related, and has to do with me and

                      my father. Can I read it to you guys?

 

                                LAURA

                      No! Nope. How about tomorrow -- over the

                      phone?

 

                                KEITH

                          (said at the same time as

                           Laura's "No!")

                      Sure, go ahead. Laura, why not now?

 

                                LAURA

                      Why at all?

 

                                KEITH

                      Why not?

 

                                LAURA

                      Fine. Let's hear it. Dazzle us!

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (removes a piece of paper from

                           the folds of his wallet, and

                           begins reading)

                      It's called "Father":

 

                                LAURA

                      Clever.

 

            (Autumn walks over to the table, but Michael does not see

            her. Keith and Laura see her, acknowledge her presence, but

            say nothing.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (affected by his intoxication)

                      When I look at him,

                        I still get scared,

                        but not in the same way.

                      Yes, he's big and there is that same

                        noxious stench of stale cigars,   

                        scotch, and Polo on him.

                      No, he no longer enforces the rules, or

                        fails to back up my mother -- because

                        she's dead.

                      No, he no longer drills me, or fails to

                        mention the dogshit in my path --

                        because he's not around.

                      Yet he is still a formidable man.

                      Now he is illuminated in the sunshine of

                        my maturity,

                      The illusion of nobility cast off,

                      And the horror of desperate humanity

                        exposed.

                      They say that it is inevitable, that

                        it's just a matter of time;

                      But I'd choose death rather than

                        become a reflection of him.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Wow, that was excellent! Powerful man,

                      powwwerrrful! Dad's can be like broken

                      mirrors -- the more broke the better.

 

                                KEITH

                      That's really good, very intense, sad.

                      You know what I was talking about.

 

                                LAURA

                          (to Keith)

                      He does?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I write poetry too.

 

                                LAURA

                      You do? What about?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Mostly about my loves and loves lost. I

                      perform it to jazz music on Sunday nights

                      at Bar None.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Can we hear one -- cuz we bar none?

                      (Laughs.)

 

                                LAURA

                      Yeah, please?

 

                                KEITH

                      Please do.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Pas problem. This one's a real humdinger.

                      It's about this real cute, hipster chick

                      that I had a crush on when I worked at

                      the Rose Cafe. She was pretty snobby,

                      like she probably grew up in Bel Air or

                      some chichi place like that--

 

                                LAURA

                      I'm from Bel Air!

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Great! I love Bel Air. Anyway, the

                      hipster chick was with this guy that

                      seemed pretty lame; I mean he like never

                      smiled at her or touched her. She and I

                      talked a whole bunch, but it never went

                      anywhere. So, here's my lament:

                          (first tapping her foot to

                           create a beat)

                      My hamburger hipster armored in bland

                        buns of impassioned shelter,

                      Sandwiched without indelicacy, yet        

                        restlessly resting on a sideline   

                        pickle.

                      Iceberg lettuce's imposing proximity

                        keeps the sesame soggy, absent           

                        flavor.

                      Sweet fat crusted tenderonie beats         

                        wildly, yet frustrated by lukewarm

                        cheese that's fickle.

                      Plate of alabaster ethereal pure made

                        purer by useless silver spoon.

                      Succulent tomato transcendent calls out

                      from oliveoil-basil-mozzarella flying

                      saucer,

                      "Stop festering in glittered fortitude,

                                    let's merlot to the moon!"

                      Oh hamburger help her! The excited       

                        hipster -- scaredy cat that she was --

                                    asked only for ketchup.

 

            (Laura and Keith clap. Michael hesitantly follows suit.

            Autumn bows, playfully.)

 

                                LAURA

                      That was wonderful! Wow.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah, another lesbo love bites the dust.

 

                                LAURA

                      Nice, Michael.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I liked it, really.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Thanks!

 

                                KEITH

                      That was really amazing. I especially

                      liked the image of you on this delectable

                      saucer -- perhaps reaching out to your

                      newfound love with your hand -- hoping to

                      carry her out of her conventional

                      quagmire, and up to hitherto unimagined

                      heights of bliss.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      You got it, exactly! Man, you really

                      understand.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      That's because Keith's a poet.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      You are?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Keith, you must be able to recite one for

                      us too? How about it?

 

                                LAURA

                          (before Keith can say "yes")

                      How about another time?

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (backing Laura up)

                      It's okay. You can recite one for me next

                      time you're in.

 

            (Laura takes a picture of Autumn, who strikes a sexy pose.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Then I won't get to hear it. Why not just

                      a short one? Come on.

 

                                KEITH

                      Okay, a short one.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      All right.

 

                                KEITH

                          (throwing it away)

                      Life is life. Love is magic. It is love

                      that gives wonder to life. Death ends

                      life, but it cannot end love. Only love

                      can destroy love.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      That's too short.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      That's beautiful! It's true, what you say

                      about love's destiny.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I still want another. Wilst thou leave us

                      so unsatisfied, Keith?

 

                                KEITH

                      No. I'm here to satisfy. Okay. One more.

                      This one I wrote for Laura:

                          (looks lovingly at Laura)

                      Sitting in a tree, just me;                                                     

                      flying on a rock,                                                              

                      eating a date,                                                                 

                      looking back at that tree--                                                    

                      nothing left but a clock;                                                      

                      you pass me the tea--                                                           

                      I share with you my date;                                                      

                      the rock becomes a small pond,                                    

                      couched in pillowy clouds;                                                     

                      we play in the water.                                                         

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I like it. The time passing stuff, and--

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I dig that poem! It's sentimental and

                      romantic and surreal: flying on a rock.

                      (With her hands outstretched she pretends

                      to fly while standing on a rock.) Wow!

                      We've all done it.

 

                                KEITH

                          (enchanted with her)

                      Yes.

 

            (Laura watches Autumn with admiration too.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      What's so romantic about it?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Everything. It's about an ethereal joy,

                      everlasting--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      And what do you mean by "I share with you

                      my date" -- is that about a third person?

                      And what do you mean "we play in the

                      water"? It all sounds pretty kinky and

                      perverse to me.

                      (Laughing self-congratulatorily.) What's

                      so romantic about threesomes and water

                      sports?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Uh -- lots. I should get back to work--

 

                                LAURA

                          (abruptly, to Autumn.)

                      That reminds me. (To Keith.) And this has

                      nothing to do with your poem -- you know

                      I love your poem. (To everyone.) I

                      thought of a very different resolution to

                      the problem of the absent father in

                      Lolita. And for The Scarlet Letter.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Oh God--

 

                                LAURA

                      Okay. (To Autumn.) I don't recall if you

                      were here for this, but you'll catch on.

                      Okay?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Yeah, darling, but I gotta get--

 

                                LAURA

                      Alright. At first, I figured that if

                      Lolita's mother had just accepted

                      Humbert's sexual relationship with her

                      daughter, then the situation would have

                      been resolved. She'd have her husband;

                      he'd have his nymphet Lolita; and Lolita

                      would "have it all."

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (glancing at Autumn)

                      "Have it all"?

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes. But then it occurred to me that the

                      more sensible resolution would be for

                      Humbert, the playwright Quilty, and

                      Lolita to be together as a triple, as

                      opposed to a couple. And I don't mean a

                      threesome. I mean a long-term

                      relationship of three.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You're sick.

 

                                LAURA

                      Certainly Humbert and Quilty --

                      especially Quilty, who's a swinger --

                      seem up for it.

 

                                KEITH

                      Right. Right.

 

                                LAURA

                      And Lolita, well, she is the most radical

                      of them all. Practically speaking, in

                      terms of emotions and sexuality, this

                      makes the most sense. Of course, it helps

                      that Lolita's mother dies.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      That's way sicker than I thought! You're

                      fucked up.

 

                                KEITH

                          (sincerely)

                      And what about The Scarlet Letter? Do you

                      think that Hester, Dimmesdale, and Roger

                      Chillingworth should be in a triple too?

 

                                LAURA

                          (laughing)

                      Yes. What could make more sense? There'd

                      be three parents to take care of Pearl;

                      three to make sure that they're all

                      sexually satisfied; and three to support

                      the family.

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes, but--

 

                                LAURA

                      Okay, so there are some problems with

                      this -- in this novel; they'd probably

                      all be burned at the stake. But it's this

                      triple idea that's so compelling.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      "Compelling" to whom? What man would want

                      to be in that situation?

 

                                LAURA

                      Lot's of men. This is about love.

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes, I think it's a really smart idea. I

                      see what you're talking about, but have

                      you considered--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I can say without doubt that no healthy

                      man would share his girlfriend or have

                      sex with another man.

 

                                LAURA

                      Michael, what the fuck are you talking

                      about?

 

                                KEITH

                      Laura, he's just giving--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Oh, I get it, you're thinking of the time

                      you wanted to fuck my friend Rick. Is

                      that it?

 

            (Autumn, about to leave, changes her mind.)

 

                                LAURA

                      How dare you! Actually, you wanted me to

                      fuck Rick, remember, your boss Rick.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Well, not--

 

                                LAURA

                      We went back with him to his hotel room

                      because you wanted to, not me. And then

                      you backed out, not me.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      That's because ... I wasn't serious; I

                      was never serious about--

 

                                LAURA

                      That's not true. Just when things were

                      moving along happily -- after we drank

                      enough champagne and done enough coke, of

                      course -- and you and I were kissing

                      passionately, you motioned for Rick to

                      join in, and when he did, you flipped

                      out, and stormed out, leaving me in a

                      really embarrassing spot, totally

                      humiliated, and compromised. That's what

                      happened.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You wanted to fuck Rick.

 

                                LAURA

                      What Rick was doing to me felt good. I'm

                      a sensuous person, Michael, and Rick was

                      touching me in the right ways. But I

                      could only enjoy it because you were

                      there, with me. (Short pause.) I thought

                      we were in it together.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      My reaction just shows how unnatural it

                      would be for two men to be in a three-way

                      relationship with a woman, like the ones

                      you described.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I was in a relationship like that for two

                      years, and it was amazing. It was

                      friggin' phenomenal! We had boundless

                      love for each other.

 

                                KEITH

                      Two men and you?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Eric and Jeff.

 

                                KEITH

                      Wow! That's so cool, and--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      So, you were a kind of fag hag, or just a

                      lone lesbo living with fags?

 

                                LAURA

                      Michael, what's wrong with you? You're

                      not funny. Nothing about saying those

                      words is funny.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Our relationship was a miracle. It was

                      exactly like Laura described. There was

                      just so much more opportunity for

                      satisfaction and happiness on every

                      level. Our relationship was soft; it was

                      spacious; it was warm; it was

                      inspirational. We loved each other.

 

                                KEITH

                      That's incredible.

 

                                LAURA

                          (emphatically, positively)

                      That is so great.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      That is bullshit. So, what happened? The

                      two guys dumped you?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      No. Jeff died -- he was hit by a car on

                      his bike. (Starting to cry.) Afterwards,

                      Eric and I couldn't be together any more.

                      We were a triple -- never a couple. We

                      liked to say that, "Always a triple,

                      never a couple." (Pause.) You cats, I

                      really gotta get back to work. But don't

                      fret, I'll be back.

 

            (Autumn exits.)

 

                                KEITH

                      She's so cool.

 

                                LAURA

                      She is.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I don't know about you two, but I wanna

                      go out for a smoke. Keith, why don't you

                      come with me? Laura, you man the ship

                      while we're gone.

 

                                KEITH

                      I don't smoke cigarettes, but I'll come

                      along. Laura?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      She should stay here.

 

                                KEITH

                          (with irony obvious to Laura)

                      Yeah Laura, me and Michael should smoke

                      alone for a bit. You can come out soon.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah.

 

                                LAURA

                      Okay. Maybe I'll come out after I go to

                      the little girls' room.

 

                                KEITH

                      (To Laura.) Have a powder for me too. (To

                      Michael.) Let's go for a smoke.

 

            (Michael nudges Keith along. Laura takes a picture of their

            backsides as they leave. Blackout on the flash of her

            camera.)

 

            SCENE 6: WASABI BAR -- MOMENTS LATER

 

            (Lights up on each locale -- restroom, bar, outside -- as the

            action oscillates among them.

 

            Keith and Michael are outside the restaurant.

 

            Laura is in the restroom.

 

            Autumn is in the bar.

 

            Keith and Michael are smoking cigarettes.)

 

                                KEITH

                      So, how am I doing? Have I got the right

                      posture?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I guess so. One man's fancy is another

                      man's poison. (Motioning with his

                      cigarette.) To each his own.

 

                                KEITH

                      You know, cigarette smoking is a highly

                      coded activity. I mean, how one holds a

                      cigarette can reveal a lot about them,

                      and a lot about their reasons for

                      smoking. Have you noticed this?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      No.

 

                                KEITH

                      It's true. For instance, most cigarette

                      holding postures are meant to convey

                      coolness; but, of course, what's cool for

                      one group isn't necessarily cool for

                      another. Analyzing different conceptions

                      of coolness among social groups might be

                      the best way to distinguish and

                      understand them.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (holding his cigarette between

                           two slightly bent fingers)

                      Never thought about it.

 

                                KEITH

                      (Holding the cigarette to his mouth

                      between two straightened fingers.) This

                      classic way suggests a kind of retro

                      cool, definitely more popular among women

                      today than men -- for men, the feminizing

                      effect is less apparent but more

                      ambiguous, for instance, than when a man

                      holds his cigarette in this kind of

                      laisse-faire way.(Hangs the cigarette,

                      with palm facing up.) How would you

                      characterize the way you hold it? A bit

                      of a mix--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I just hold it naturally.

 

                                KEITH

                      Really? That's interesting. (Doing this.)

                      One can also dangle it from the side of

                      their mouth, which demonstrates a kind of

                      over-determined masculinity, revealing

                      the smoker's great skill, that he's in

                      control. Oh yeah, it is especially

                      impressive if he can work on a car engine

                      and talk to you without letting the

                      cigarette fall from his mouth. You may

                      have noticed that women rarely exhibit

                      this posture.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Never noticed. Never cared.

 

                                KEITH

                      There is always that "hold the cigarette

                      like a joint" technique. (He does this.)

                      This implies that this guy has lived a

                      rather weathered or tough life. This same

                      guy might also carry the cigarette turned

                      into his palm, showing that he is not

                      afraid to burn himself. Women rarely--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Keith, no offense,  buddy, but you think

                      way too much. Normal people don't think

                      about these things. They just smoke.

 

                                KEITH

                      Oh yeah. Okay, maybe I'm making too much

                      of smoking.

 

            (They smoke in awkward silence. Lights out on them.

 

            Lights up on Laura in the restroom. While reapplying

            lipstick, she begins talking to herself in the mirror.)

 

                                LAURA

                          (dancing around sillily,

                           watching herself)

                      "Always a triple, never a couple." Two's

                      a couple, three's a triple. Two's a

                      couple, three's a company. Jack, Chrissy,

                      and what's her name?  What was her name?

                      Ah, Janet. (She sings the theme song to

                      the television show "Three's a Company.")

                      Come and knock on our door. We've been

                      waiting for you. Where the kisses are

                      hers, and hers, and his. Three's company

                      too.

                      Second verse:(With more pizzazz.)

                      Come and knock on our door. Take a step

                      that is new. Where the kisses are hers,

                      and hers, and his. Three's company too. 

                      How about an encore? Come on everyone:

                      (With more pizzazz.)

                      Come and knock on our door. We've been

                      waiting for you. Where the kisses are

                      hers, and hers, and his. Three's company

                      too.

                      Two's a couple, three's got more hands.

                      Three's got more orifices. Three's got

                      more options. Triple your pleasure with

                      triplemint gum. It's not about what's

                      missing, but about being more efficient,

                      economical, happier. Two's fight a lot:

                      Tom and Jerry, Tweety and Sylvester,

                      Roadrunner and Coyote, Abbott and

                      Costello, Ricky and Lucy, but these

                      people aren't in romantic relationships.

                      Well, I guess Ricky and Lucy are. Three's

                      don't fight? Well, there's...? I can't

                      think of any three's. Yes. (Miming the

                      eye poke, nose knock, and ear slap of the

                      Three Stooges.) They always fought. And

                      so did Groucho, Harpo and Chico. Keith

                      and I fight. Everyone fights sometimes.

                      But with three's there's no need for

                      consensus, or compromise. Majority rules.

                      It's more democratic. More American.

                      It's Christian -- the father, the son,

                      and the holy ghost. It's a trinity. It's

                      sacred. (Short pause.) Buy two get one

                      free -- works for three. No fighting over

                      the third. Charlie's Angels. (Strikes the

                      Charlie's Angels' gun pose in all three

                      directions.) The Three Amigos. The Three

                      Musketeers: "All for one, one for all."

                      Three's got more brains. Three's got more

                      power. Can three fit in the shower?

                      (Taking a photo of herself in the

                      mirror.) Yes.

 

            (Lights out on the flash of Laura's camera.

 

            Lights up on Michael and Keith outside, still smoking.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You know Keith, I've got to congratulate

                      you.

 

                                KEITH

                      Thanks Michael. But for what?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I haven't been with a chick since Laura

                      that squirts like her.

 

                                KEITH

                      Squirts?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah, Keith, she squirts. You mean you

                      don't know what I'm talking about? You

                      don't make her squirt?

 

                                KEITH

                      Wait a sec. By "squirt," you mean

                      ejaculate, like when having an orgasm?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Exactly. So, you know what I mean? She

                      squirts for you too.

 

                                KEITH

                      No, I can't say that she has.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Sorry buddy. I'm sorry to hear it.

 

                                KEITH

                      I bet you are.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      It's all in the technique, you know.

 

                                KEITH

                      No, I don't know.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (he demonstrates as he

                           explains)

                      It's like this: You take these two

                      fingers (Indicating his index and middle

                      finger.) and you put them in deep, curved

                      upwards, so that you can rub the G-spot.

                      You know what that is? Then, with the

                      same fingers on your other hand, you

                      press down, just above the landing strip,

                      so that the fingers of both hands are

                      pushing against each other, through her

                      body. And then, with your tongue, getting

                      in between your hands, you lick away,

                      really working the knob. Like this (He

                      demonstrates.) Get it? Never fails.

 

                                KEITH

                      Thanks.

 

            (They fall silent, resuming smoking.

 

            Lights up on bar. Laura, entering from the restroom,

            approaches the table, looking for Michael and Keith. Instead,

            she encounters Autumn.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      They're outside. You seem to be hanging

                      in there.

 

                                LAURA

                      But it's so weird. (Pause.) I just have

                      to ask you something.

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (casually)

                      Anything, baby, you know, you can ask me

                      anything.

 

                                LAURA

                      What was it like with them, with Jeff and

                      Eric? Did everyone love each other

                      equally? Did anyone get jealous?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Sure, we had our spats. But most of the

                      time it was heaven on earth. We were a

                      harmonious community of three, a family.

 

                                LAURA

                      That is just the coolest. I can't imagine

                      what that would be like.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Sure you can. We can imagine anything. It

                      may not be the same in reality, but we

                      can imagine it.

 

                                LAURA

                      Yeah, we can. But I want you to tell me.

                      How was it, you know, when making love?

 

            (Pause.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I went to sleep in their arms every

                      night, nestled between them, our arms and

                      legs so intertwined that we didn't know

                      whose was whose, and sometimes we would

                      try to move each other's, and yell,

                      panicked, and laugh ... They would wake

                      me with caresses and kisses, and I would

                      pretend to be asleep for as long as I

                      could. It became a thing, as if none of

                      us ever had to be anywhere else, because

                      we didn't, not really.

 

                                LAURA

                      That's so awesome--

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I loved their bodies. They were soft and

                      hard, musky and sweet. I loved pleasuring

                      them, and the way they wanted and kept

                      wanting me. I never imagined that with my

                      lips -- with these lips (Puckering,

                      licking them.) -- I could produce such

                      glorious smiles.

 

                                LAURA

                      Stop, stop, no, keep going, more. Listen

                      to me. I'm losing it.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      No, you're not.

 

                                LAURA

                      I am, yes.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I didn't even tell you about being the

                      dynamic conductor through which our

                      electric passions for each other surged.

 

                                LAURA

                      Stop.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      That their luscious faces -- so handsome

                      - would be immersed and saturated in each

                      other's while I was infused with them, my

                      steaming body transformed into the gooey

                      substance that both lubricated and bonded

                      us all in ecstasy.

 

                                LAURA

                      Uh, excuse me. I should probably check on

                      the guys.

 

            (Lights down as Laura exits, embarrassed.

 

            Lights up on Keith and Michael outside. Michael lights up

            another cigarette and offers one to Keith, who declines.)

 

                                KEITH

                      Have you ever thought about how people

                      greet each other? There are those people

                      that shake hands, those that kiss, those

                      that air-kiss -- as much as four times,

                      those that hug, and those that hug and

                      pat on the back. I prefer hugging, if I'm

                      greeting a friend--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Hand-shaking is fine with me, friend or

                      no friend. I see no need to hug guys.

 

                                KEITH

                      Well, here. (He gives Michael a hug.)

                      Isn't that more friendly, especially in

                      the way it subverts the more conservative

                      hand-shaking convention?

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (inadvertently flirtatious)

                      Next you'll be trying to suck my dick,

                      telling me that we're just subverting the

                      "conservative heterosexual regime" or the

                      "patriarchal power structure."

 

                                KEITH

                      Perhaps.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Then again, what's the difference who's

                      doing the sucking, right? Man or woman,

                      as long as I don't have to see 'em, it

                      probably feels the same. (Noticing

                      Keith's smirk in response to the

                      implications to what he just said.) But

                      sucking dick, in my opinion, is a woman's

                      job.

 

                                KEITH

                      I've sucked dick before. (Short pause.)

                      I've gotten blowjobs by men a few times.

                      I've given one too. I enjoyed it, and so

                      did he. He's a good friend of mine, and

                      it felt good to give him pleasure.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (reeling in his imagination,

                           defensive, offensive)

                      Hey, as I said before, to each his own. I

                      don't give a shit about what people do in

                      the privacy of their own homes. But I

                      don't want to see it. You can do what you

                      want -- in your house, even if I think

                      it's sick, perverted, and repulsive. It's

                      a free country.

 

            (Laura walks out to them, stops, and takes their picture.)

 

                                MICHAEL (cont'd)

                      Laura, your boyfriend was just telling me

                      that he likes to give men blowjobs. What

                      do you think of that?

 

                                LAURA

                      What are you guys talking about?

 

                                KEITH

                      Just the pros and cons of dick-sucking, I

                      guess.

 

                                LAURA

                          (to Keith, ignoring Michael's

                           comment)

                      Are there cons?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Keith was just telling me he once sucked

                      a friend's dick.

 

                                LAURA

                      That's not true. He hasn't.

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes, I have.

 

                                LAURA

                      You never told me that.

 

                                KEITH

                      I thought I did. Yes, I'm sure I did --

                      when we had that talk at the bagel place.

 

                                LAURA

                      No. You didn't. You said some of your

                      friends had given you blowjobs, but that

                      you never gave one.

 

                                KEITH

                      If I didn't tell you, it's only because I

                      wasn't sure how'd you react. You don't

                      seem to be taking it very well.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (to Laura)

                      Don't look at me. He's your dick-sucking

                      boyfriend.

 

                                KEITH

                      What's the big deal?

 

                                LAURA

                      It's just that you didn't tell me the

                      truth.

 

                                KEITH

                      I'm sorry. But I don't see why you are so

                      upset.

 

                                LAURA

                      I don't know. Maybe I don't like the

                      image of you sucking on some guy's dick.

 

                                KEITH

                      You can't be serious?

 

                                LAURA

                      Why not?

 

                                KEITH

                      Great. Well, I'll have to admit,

                      Michael's looking a hellava lot better

                      than you right now.

 

                                LAURA

                      Fuck you!

 

            (Laura exits back into the bar. Lights stay up outside. After

            an awkward moment, Michael and Keith continue their talk.)

 

                                KEITH

                      I can't explain that. I'm sure she was

                      just hurt that I didn't tell her the

                      truth to begin with.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Keith, the problem is obvious. She's

                      disgusted by you, as any natural woman

                      would be. Her boyfriend just admitted

                      that he's a cock-sucking gay boy.

 

            (Lights out on Michael and Keith.

 

            Lights up on the bar as Laura enters. She encounters Autumn.

            Laura is crying.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      What's wrong?

 

                                LAURA

                      Nothing. I got mad at Keith for ...

                      nothing. He just never told me about

                      something ... I don't know, I was

                      embarrassed ... I really don't care that

                      he gave a friend a blowjob. Why would I?

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I don't know. I can't think of any

                      reason. Let's sit down.

 

            (Autumn takes Laura by the hand to the table and they sit

            down, Laura first, then Autumn.)

 

                                LAURA

                      I just feel so stupid. I'm sure Michael

                      was doing something fucked up. I'm just

                      so embarrassed. I got upset. Michael

                      wasn't like this before.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      You're all really drunk. Keith is

                      wonderful -- really special. I'm sure he

                      knows you didn't mean it.

 

                                LAURA

                      He is wonderful. That hurts too. Michael

                      isn't wonderful. (Short pause.) Desire is

                      just the craziest thing.

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (moving closer)

                      It is, but sometimes we just have to--

 

                                LAURA

                      Sometimes I think this is the whole

                      problem. Michael just doesn't get it.

                      Keith might not either. We don't desire

                      because we lack; it's not caused by

                      appetite, or hunger, or anything -- we

                      don't give blowjobs because we're hungry.

                      This is because desire needs no object.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Laura, honey--

 

                                LAURA

                      We just desire, feel pure desire, and

                      then invent an object to explain it. This

                      is what I do with the camera. (Realizing

                      she's been rambling.) I'm a photographer.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I know.

 

                                LAURA

                          (returning to her train of

                           thought)

                      We experience desire, and then the

                      advertisers come along, well-aware of our

                      need to explain the phenomenon of desire.

                      The advertisers know full-well that

                      humans need explanations as much as they

                      need food. Unlike desire, needs are

                      actual requirements: we can't live

                      without them. So, in most cases -- at

                      least the more profound ones, almost any

                      explanation will do. We need explanations

                      as much as we think. Thinking without

                      answers leads to paralysis or suicidal

                      panic. Believe me, I know this.

                      So, the advertisers -- like preachers,

                      who exploit our need for answers by

                      deferring to the absent but always

                      present God, the particular God that

                      supports their values, of course -- the

                      advertisers tell us exactly what we

                      desire -- a new car, a new computer, a

                      new beauty product, a new sexual

                      experience, a new life, even an

                      afterlife.(Pause.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      That's right, babe.

 

                                LAURA

                      But what does desire have to do with

                      love? Not much. Unlike desire, love

                      requires an object. We love things,

                      nature, people, ourselves. Love is not

                      about possession, even if it does involve

                      absorption. It's simultaneous

                      selflessness and selfishness. It's the

                      gift of appreciation, of pure admiration;

                      it's the gift of giving. (Pause.) I feel

                      so bad about everything.

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (flirtatiously)

                      You shouldn't. You should feel good.

                      You're getting resolution, you've figured

                      out the nature of love, and desire, and

                      you've got Keith. And, Laura, you're so

                      beautiful.

 

            (Autumn kisses Laura. Laura then pulls back for a moment.)

 

                                LAURA

                      You're so beautiful.

 

            (Laura kisses Autumn. They kiss with increasing passion, and

            explore other frontiers. Lights down on Laura and Autumn.

 

            Lights up on Michael and Keith outside. A few moments pass as

            they stand in silence. Michael is still smoking.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You know, Keith, its unfortunate that gay

                      people can't have kids.

 

                                KEITH

                      Yeah Michael, but they can adopt, use

                      surrogates, have artificial insemin--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      But they never get to have one in their

                      own image. Still, that's not what most

                      matters. Keith, have you ever changed a

                      baby's diaper?

 

                                KEITH

                      No.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Have you ever rocked a baby to sleep in

                      your arms?

 

                                KEITH

                      No, I have only--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      There's nothing like waking up in the

                      morning with your own child. When they

                      are a baby, they wake smiling, bathing in 

                      everything around them -- in every new

                      experience. Nothing is more special and

                      life-affirming than watching your child

                      grow up -- hearing their first words. As

                      they get older, their wide-eyes only open

                      wider to your love. You see, there is no

                      greater purpose and enjoyment than for us

                      to nourish the lives of our own children.

 

            (Pause.)

 

                                KEITH

                      What do you say we go back in?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Now?

 

                                KEITH

                      Yeah.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (stomping out cigarette)

                      Fine with me.

 

            (Lights out.)

 

            SCENE 7: WASABI BAR

 

            (Lights up on the bar. We see Michael and Keith re-enter

            before Autumn and Laura. Hearing them enter, Autumn and Laura

            separate, holding hands until the last moment.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                      I'll be back.

 

            (Autumn exits.)

 

                                KEITH

                          (to Laura)

                      I'm sorry.

 

                                LAURA

                      Me too.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Where's that feisty little waitress going

                      -- that Keith can't take his eyes off? I

                      want another drink.

 

                                LAURA

                      Michael, why'dja say that?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Relax. I wasn't insulting her by calling

                      her "little." I just want another drink.

 

                                LAURA

                      Her name's Autumn, and she likes Keith.

                      You're just jealous.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Was I talking to you?

 

                                KEITH

                      Why did you call her "little"?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I was referring to her tits.

 

                                KEITH

                      "Little"?

 

                                LAURA

                      Michael, will you stop it? You're

                      embarrassing me.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      How so? I said nothing about the fact

                      that you won't squirt for Keith.

 

            (Laura, trying to assess where that came from, looks to

            Keith, who pretends not to have heard it.)

 

                                LAURA

                      It was pee Michael -- only ever pee,

                      nothing else.

 

                                KEITH

                      I suppose you think Autumn needs breast

                      implants?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Keith, my friend, almost every woman

                      needs breast implants.

 

                                LAURA

                      Stop. Will you?

 

                                KEITH

                      Maybe you're right. It probably has to do

                      with what my friend Kim was telling me

                      the other day.

 

                                LAURA

                      Keith, must you?

 

                                KEITH

                      My friend Kim is a cultural theorist. And

                      she explained to me the other day why men

                      want women to get fake breasts.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Isn't it obvious?

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes. According to Kim it is. You know how

                      fake breasts are very firm; they don't

                      even fall to the side when a woman lays

                      on her back?

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (deliciously)

                      Oh yeah.

 

                                KEITH

                      And you know how this firmness works to

                      accentuate their nipples, making them

                      appear hard all the time?

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (glancing at Laura's chest)

                      Yeah. Who wants floppy, limp tits? So?

 

                                LAURA

                      I do. I want them silky and malleable,

                      caressable--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Go on, Keith.

 

                                KEITH

                      Well, according to Kim, men want these

                      always erect and hard protrusions on

                      women's chests because they so

                      demonstratively resemble erect, hard

                      penises.

 

                                LAURA

                          (putting her hands on their

                           shoulders)

                      And women want them because they get to

                      have two penises. Because two is always

                      better than one. (With tongue pushing out

                      cheek.) What about three?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Let Keith continue, please.

 

                                KEITH

                      The hard breasts satisfy men in two

                      important ways. First of all, a man with

                      a partner with fake breasts gets to have

                      his own virility reflected all the time

                      on her chest -- he imagines that the

                      breasts and nipples of his partner are

                      perpetually hard because of her

                      unrelenting, uncontrollable attraction to

                      him. The second way has to do with every

                      man's homoeroticism and phallocentrism.

                      Kim says that men are socialized to

                      worship penises, especially their own,

                      but also those of other men, even while

                      they may oppose them, in a kind of

                      nemesis relationship -- a kind of

                      infatuation with their competition. The

                      bigger, the better the competition -- the

                      bigger, the better they must be to

                      overcome them.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      What kind of wack-job is this friend?

 

                                KEITH

                      Her theory is taken very seriously. You

                      can read all about this phenomenon of

                      what she calls "the penis-breasts

                      syndrome" in her new book, The Boys

                      Depend On Us.

 

                                LAURA

                          (laughing)

                      Oh God, are you there, its me, Laura?

                      That's brilliant! So then, these breast

                      implant "penis breasts" must eliminate

                      penis envy?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Your friend's theory is possibly the

                      stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard.

 

                                LAURA

                          (into the air)

                      Freud should have been a cosmetic

                      surgeon.

 

                                KEITH

                      So, how do you explain it?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Well, I really haven't given it much

                      thought. I don't need to over think

                      everything.

 

                                LAURA

                      You know, all breasts can breast feed.

 

                                KEITH

                      Come on, Michael, give it your best shot.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Okay. Just give me a moment. (Standing

                      up. Drinking. Pause.) Alright, and this

                      may make no sense, but I think it's got

                      everything to do with mothers. We all

                      know that guys are most loved by their

                      mothers -- and not their girlfriends.(He

                      laughs as he continues.) Are we in

                      agreement so far?

 

                                KEITH

                      Well, that depends on--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Of course we are -- a mother's love is

                      unconditional. But this tit issue goes

                      way beyond that, into the psychology of

                      the son. You see, the degree to which men

                      feel loved correlates directly with the

                      ratio of head to tit. (Laughs.

                      Now standing on chair.) Let me explain,

                      as I do in my new book, A Mother's Love

                      Is Only As Big As Her Tits -- soon to be

                      featured on Oprah. In my book, I explain

                      that, because mothers most love their

                      children when they are small, such as

                      when they are babies and little kids, men

                      want to return to this time. Remember

                      this is a time when their heads are much

                      smaller in comparison to the size of

                      their mother's tits. And because we can't

                      be kids again or be with our mothers --

                      and we wouldn't want to be -- but we

                      still want to be loved unconditionally

                      like only a mother can love us, we need

                      our girlfriends and wives to have huge

                      fucking tits. The bigger the tits, the

                      better we imagine they love us.

 

                                KEITH

                      So, what you're saying is that the bigger

                      the tits, the more we imagine we are

                      loved? Because when we we're children our

                      mother's tits were much bigger than our

                      own heads, and this is a time when we

                      felt the most love?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Exactly. It's our choice. We either get

                      our heads shrunk or hook up with chicks

                      with big tits.

 

                                KEITH

                          (surprised, laughing)

                      That was brilliant! (To Laura.) Did you

                      follow that?

 

                                LAURA

                      Sure did. Yep.

 

                                KEITH

                          (sincerely)

                      Wasn't that brilliant?

 

                                LAURA

                      Sure was. Michael "brilliantly" explained

                      everything. According to his theory, he

                      went back to Jane because he and I didn't

                      have the proper "head-to-tit ratio," and

                      he knew I wouldn't mutilate my body to

                      become the surrogate mother he needs --

                      that Jane always wanted to be.

                      And he wouldn't see a therapist to get

                      his "head shrunk."(Short pause.) I guess

                      "The proof is in the silicone pudding,"

                      right Mike? Come on Michael, how about

                      showing Keith that picture you carry

                      around with you of Jane's new head

                      dwarfing, penis tits? They're real

                      hootenannies.

 

                                KEITH

                      You've got to be kidding?

 

                                LAURA

                      Nope. Not at all. Come on, Michael, show

                      him the picture you showed me.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (after a short pause, taking

                           the picture out and sliding it

                           across the table to Keith)

                      Okay. See for yourself. Here they are.

 

                                KEITH

                          (looking at the picture as he

                           pushes it back to Michael)

                      That's okay. I believe you. I'm sure

                      they're very big.

 

                                LAURA

                      Oh yeah, and Michael, how do you explain

                      the fact that your mother was as flat as

                      a fucking board? (Smiling.) And, what do

                      you make of the fact that my mother

                      sexually abused me when I was a baby: she

                      forced me to suck on her breasts every

                      single day. Sick, isn't it? (Looking at

                      Autumn, who is approaching the table.)

                      Or, is this why I like to suck on women's

                      breasts?

 

            (Autumn arrives at the table.)

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (picking the picture up)

                      Showing pics? (Looking at it.) Wow, this

                      babe's got behemoth boobs. (To Michael.)

                      Is this your wife? (Looking closer at the

                      picture.) Too bad they're fake. Can I get

                      you cats anything else?

 

            (Laura takes a photograph of her, as she strikes a sexy pose

            - different from before.)

 

                                KEITH

                      I'll have another martini.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Me too.

 

                                LAURA

                      Me three.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Coming right up.

 

            (Autumn walks away. They all watch her depart. Pause.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      She's a freak, alright. I don't want to

                      imagine what her sex life was like with

                      her gay-boy buddies.

 

                                LAURA

                      Why not?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Do you think one fucked her while the

                      other fucked him in the ass?

 

                                LAURA

                      I thought you didn't want to imagine her

                      sex life, much less discuss it. Michael,

                      she and her boyfriends were in love. They

                      loved each other. They were a triple.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Come on, that's as absurd as your

                      suggestion that you, me, and Jane should

                      have been in a relationship together.

                      Keith, did she tell you about this? Sure,

                      we all could have fooled around together,

                      but--

 

                                LAURA

                      If we all loved each other--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      People of the same sex can't love each

                      other like people of the opposite sex.

                      This is simple logic, baby.

 

                                LAURA

                      So you're saying that I didn't love

                      Elizabeth? (To Keith.) We were together

                      my freshman year of college.

 

                                KEITH

                      Yes, I remember.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      No, you couldn't have been in love,

                      really, unless you're abnormal.

 

                                LAURA

                      Unless I'm "abnormal"?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yes. Love is an emotion that promotes the

                      future of our species. And if your love

                      isn't in that interest, then it's

                      abnormal.

 

                                LAURA

                      But our love promoted community and

                      happiness among--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You see, the bottom line is a matter of

                      anatomy and the need for procreation and

                      species survival. I'm talking basic

                      evolutionary biology here. You guys know

                      this.

 

                                LAURA

                      Heard it before, yes. Tell me, how do you

                      account for your own non-procreative

                      sexual--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Some things are natural and others aren't

                      -- weren't meant to be, Laura.

 

                                LAURA

                      But you're not accounting for--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I am. It's like this: Our sex drive is

                      mostly unconscious and comes from our

                      genes, and is ultimately for one purpose

                      only: procreation. This is why men and

                      women sleep around, even if they are

                      married.

 

                                LAURA

                      Pleeease -- you can't be serious--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Love is the excuse or vehicle we use to

                      get closer to one another.

                      It's the emotion we most value because

                      it's the one that best helps us to get

                      laid and breed.

 

                                LAURA

                      You don't believe that. You can't believe

                      that, really?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I do.

 

                                KEITH

                      I'd like to ask a question that somewhat

                      accepts your terms, but only so as to

                      challenge them and their underlying

                      premise.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Sure. Let's hear it.

 

                                KEITH

                      Okay then: How do you explain the

                      efficient use of contraception? If our

                      sex drive is unconsciously inspired in

                      order to ensure reproduction of the

                      species, then wouldn't it make sense that

                      men and women would avoid or obstruct

                      contraception, especially when disease

                      transmission is not an issue? If the

                      theory you're expounding were correct,

                      there would be a lot more pregnancies.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Well, there are lots of pregnancies, but

                      not by better educated, stronger people --

                      with stronger egos, and stronger wills,

                      and therefore not by people more likely

                      to resist the procreative drive because

                      of their own practical concerns. The poor

                      and stupid get pregnant more--

 

                                LAURA

                      What you're saying, Michael, is bullshit.

                      Everything you say is bullshit. Love is

                      not a biologically-inspired hallucination

                      designed to promote heterosexuality.

                      Children are often conceived out of love,

                      not ignorance.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I don't think so--

 

                                LAURA

                      As Keith says in his poem, "Love is

                      magic." Also, people can love each other

                      without ever having sex, without any

                      sexual motivation. Sex can be to romantic

                      love what making dinner together can be

                      for a loving family.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yes Laura, and some people have sex for

                      the strangest reasons. If my memory

                      serves me correctly, and I know it's been

                      awhile, a guy's dick is to you what a

                      thumb is for a baby. You can get as

                      worked up as you want over our pervert

                      waitress or Keith's favors for friends.

                      I'm not your pacifier anymore.

 

                                LAURA

                      No, you're not.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Nope. Sure ain't.

 

                                KEITH

                      Michael's right, people do have sex for

                      strange reasons. But do people love for

                      strange reasons? (Laura begins to make

                      occasional "woof" and "whimper" sounds

                      like a dog.) Can something so common as

                      love be strange?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I don't think so. Real love can be

                      different in degree and kind, but because

                      it's natural it can never be strange.

                      (Laura continues making dog sounds.) I

                      think Laura was on to something when she

                      mentioned hallucinatory love.

 

                                LAURA

                          (in between dog sounds)

                      Of course you do.

 

            (Laura gets out of her chair and on all fours, as she

            continues to make dog sounds.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      I think perverts conveniently imagine

                      that they love -- they hallucinate love --

                      in a desperate and feeble attempt to make

                      their twisted sex lives seem normal.

                      (To Laura.) Will you stop it? Will you

                      shut the fuck up?!

 

                                LAURA

                      So, Michael, are perversity and love

                      mutually exclusive?

 

                                KEITH

                      What about fetishism, which is a kind of

                      hallucination, can it only occur in

                      love's absence? (To Laura, who continues

                      to make dog sounds.) And why are you

                      making dog sounds?

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (ignoring Keith, to Laura)

                      Yes, they are.

 

                                LAURA

                      Really? Then how do you explain or accept

                      the fact that your wife is a dog fucker?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Will you shut up?

 

                                LAURA

                      That makes you a dog-fucker fucker,

                      doesn't it?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      No. (To Keith.) Jane once let our dog

                      lick whipped cream off her pussy. It's no

                      big deal.

 

                                LAURA

                      "Let?" Like it was the dog's idea? Oh,

                      and because your dog's female, I guess

                      your wife's a lesbian, like me, as well

                      as a dog fucker? No, she's a bitch

                      fucker.

 

                                KEITH

                      Can you both calm down? Can we just

                      mellow out?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Why? Do you want to share with us another

                      one of your sick pervert secrets? Perhaps

                      all this dog-fucking talk is a touchy

                      subject for you? Huh Keith?

 

                                KEITH

                          (short pause)

                      Okay Michael, I'll share with you a

                      secret. You remember when I got so

                      impressed by your use of the word

                      "besotted"?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Yeah. So what?

 

                                KEITH

                      I just pretended not to know what the

                      word means. So that you'd feel more

                      comfortable when we finally met, I wanted

                      to make you feel smart. I didn't want you

                      to feel like the idiot that you are--

 

                                MICHAEL

                      You fucking faggot. You think you're so

                      smart, Jew boy? I should bash your stupid

                      cock-sucking face in right now.

 

                                LAURA

                      Michael, stop! Stop it! What are you

                      saying?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Shut up Laura! (Standing up.) I'm gonna

                      kick this fucking gay boy's ass.

 

                                KEITH

                          (acting relatively calm)

                      Are you saying you want to fight me?

                      Because I'll fight you if you want.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Oh yeah, pussy shit, come on!

 

                                LAURA

                      Keith, are you crazy!?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Stay outta this! Let's go gay-boy!

 

                                KEITH

                          (standing up)

                      No. It's okay. If he wants to fight, I'll

                      fight.

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Let's go butt-fucker, right now!

 

                                LAURA

                      No! No! This is not happening! Keith!

 

                                KEITH

                      You want me to stop?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Shut up Laura!

 

                                LAURA

                      Yes! Please! Keith!

 

                                KEITH

                          (sitting back down)

                      Okay. I'll stop.

 

                                LAURA

                      Thank you. Thanks. (To Michael.) Michael?

                      Please. Stop it. Please?

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Sorry, Keith. Let's just forget it.

 

                                LAURA

                      Okay, we're leaving now. Let's go!

 

                                KEITH

                      Okay.

 

                                LAURA

                      I'll go pay. You guys wait right here.

 

                                MICHAEL

                          (taking out his wallet)

                      Here, take my wallet. Use my cash.

 

                                LAURA

                      No thanks.

 

            (Laura walks toward Autumn, who's still watching from the

            bar.

 

            As she reaches Autumn, Michael walks around to Keith and

            reaches his hand out to shake Keith's. Keith shakes hands

            with him.)

 

                                MICHAEL

                      No hard feelings, right buddy?

 

                                KEITH

                          (rising from his seat and

                           taking Michael's hand)

                      Yeah, sure.

 

            (Holding Keith's right hand, so that he can't move, Michael

            punches him in the face. He then continues to punch Keith,

            with at least one more punch. Laura and Autumn run over,

            Laura grabbing Michael; Autumn tending to Keith.)

 

                                LAURA

                      Stop! Stop it!

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Keith!

 

                                MICHAEL

                      Stupid fucking faggot kike!

 

            (Michael storms out. The lights go out and the music stops.)

 

            SCENE 8: LAURA AND KEITH'S APARTMENT -- LATER

 

            (Keith enters, with Laura hugging him from behind. They

            separate as they enter. He heads for his spot on the couch,

            which is center stage. She heads for the cabinet next to the

            couch.)

 

                                KEITH

                      Tonight was amazing. You're right. For

                      all the reasons you--   

 

                                LAURA

                      I'm still just so embarrassed.

 

                                KEITH

                      I know. I mean I understand. That was

                      insane.

 

                                LAURA

                      I just can't believe that he acted that

                      way. He didn't used to be like that.

                      (Taking candles out of the cabinet, and

                      placing them around.) I don't know what

                      happened to him.

 

                                KEITH

                          (turning the stereo on with the

                           remote; jazz or classical

                           comes on)

                      I never thought he would be that bad. I

                      was just jealous of him. (Pause.)

                      You know, I got the sense tonight that

                      you would like us to be, perhaps, a

                      little more experimental. And I want you

                      to know that I support you and would want

                      to experience things with you. What are

                      you doing?

 

                                LAURA

                      Nothing. Putting candles out.

 

                                KEITH

                      Why?

 

                                LAURA

                      It's a surprise.

 

                                KEITH

                      What surprise? What are you talking

                      about?

 

                                LAURA

                      You'll find out. Will you grab some

                      candles?

 

                                KEITH

                          (grabbing candles from the

                           cabinet and passing them to

                           Laura)

                      Come on, tell me, what surprise?

 

            (Laura begins lighting the candles. With each lit candle, the

            lights fade, until the room appears to be lit by only the

            candles.)

 

                                LAURA

                      Okay. I'm trying to make our place

                      romantic because, well, "perhaps" this is

                      our chance to be a little more

                      "experimental."

 

                                KEITH

                      What are you talking about?

 

                                LAURA

                      What if I said that someone really cool --

                      that we like a lot -- is coming over to

                      be with us?

 

                                KEITH

                      Tonight? I'm a little beat -- got papers

                      to grade -- so I would probably just say

                      - What exactly are you talking about?

 

                                LAURA

                      Autumn.

 

                                KEITH

                      She's coming here? Oh, to "be with us."

 

                                LAURA

                          (coquettishly)

                      Yes.

 

                                KEITH

                      Okay. Great!

 

            (There is a knock at the door. Laura goes and opens it. Keith

            stands as they enter, surrounded by eight lit candles. Laura

            leads Autumn to Keith by her hand. Keith takes Autumn's and

            Laura's free hands as they approach. Keith, Autumn, and Laura

            begin a passionate three-way kiss. The kissing continues for

            about a minute, then the lights go out.)

 

            SCENE 9: LAURA, AUTUMN, AND KEITH'S APARTMENT -- NEAR FUTURE

 

            (It's early evening. Autumn and Keith are quietly reading,

            lovingly serving each other wine and bong hits, as has become

            their evening routine. Lounge music plays.)

 

                                KEITH

                      Would you say that Laura and my

                      relationship, if it were a glass of wine,

                      was half-empty or half-full before we met

                      you?

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (playfully)

                      I wouldn't say either. I don't speak in

                      cliches.

 

                                KEITH

                      What do you speak in?

 

                                AUTUMN

                          (wiggling her tongue)

                      Tongues.

 

            (They begin kissing passionately.

 

            Some moments pass before Laura enters, coming home from

            work.)

 

                                LAURA

                          (enjoying the visual)

                      Please don't stop on my account.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Good evening, darling.

 

                                KEITH

                      Hello sunshine.

 

                                LAURA

                      Hi. Hi.

 

            (Laura kisses them both.)

 

                                KEITH

                      Well, how did it go?

 

                                LAURA

                      The shoot was fabulous. I'll bring prints

                      home tomorrow.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      But?

 

            (Autumn pours Laura a glass of wine.)

 

                                LAURA

                      Michael called me again.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      Shucks. Did he yell at you again?

 

                                LAURA

                      No. This time, with great composure and

                      restraint, he shared how disgusted he is

                      by our relationship. I told him not to

                      call me anymore.

 

            (Laura takes her glass of wine, and, at some point, drinks.)

 

                                KEITH

                      Are you okay with that?

 

                                LAURA

                      I don't know. I feel pretty bad -- I'm

                      just really disappointed. But, I'm also

                      really happy.

 

                                KEITH

                      Would you say that our relationship, if

                      it were a glass of wine, was half-empty

                      or half-full before we met Autumn?

 

                                LAURA

                      Neither. It was full, and now it's

                      overflowing.

 

                                KEITH

                      "Overflowing" -- Autumn can't take all

                      the credit for that. It's Michael we have

                      to thank for the squirt technique.

 

                                AUTUMN

                      And it's you we will be thanking for

                      tonight's entertainment.

 

                                LAURA

                      I love Wednesdays!

 

            (Laura and Autumn jump on the couch, forcing Keith up. With

            the remote, Autumn changes the music to a striptease tune.

            Keith gets up on the coffee table and dances and strips to

            the music. Autumn and Laura cheer along as Keith removes all

            but his underwear. Blackout as his underwear goes down. The

            end.)

 

 

respiro@2000-2004 All rights reserved